It's been a while, I've been so busy with life events. I need to do better because Darian needs my voice to share her life. She's 10 now and talks a lot, still not very functional, but her communications skills have improved a lot. She still has the meltdowns from hell, but nothing compared to a couple of years ago. She's so amazing and so loving, so sweet. The other day I was sitting with her playing on the Wii, she gave me the remote and said "Mommy, play cow game". So I did and as I was trying to be animated and make it more interesting for her, she got really close to me, stroked my arm and said "mommy" then gave me very gentle kisses. I froze, I didn't want that moment to end, it was so amazing, she was so incredibly sweet and even though I don't know how her beautiful mind works, I knew it was her way of demonstrating her love for me. I wanted to cry and embrace her and tell her I loved her too, but I knew if I moved, the moment would pass and she'd push me away and run. It was a moment I will never forget.
I do my best to take her to the store with me, to expose her to the noise that bothers her so much. I can't even imagine what she goes through. She's been wearing headphones on the bus to school and lately she wears them when we go to the store. I have noticed a difference, she's happier at the store wearing them, it tunes out the overload. Going to the store is always a huge event and I'm always prepared not to shop. I take her for her to buy something and teach her to wait in line patiently so we can pay for her toy. In order to get her there, I have to tell her a day in advance that we're going, she usually requests to go and I always have to say "tomorrow, not today" and she understands. So the morning of I talk to her and tell her she needs to behave, she can only buy one toy, she can't cry or we go home, she stays with mommy...then I make her look at me and say "ok mommy". The time arrives we get ready to go, on the ride there she wants complete silence in the car, she has her headphones and she usually talks in broken sentences about Target or Walmart or Toys r Us, telling me what she's going to look at. Once we get there, she knows she needs to hold my arm while in the parking lot, she tries to break away, but I have a good grip on her...scares me a little...ugh. She usually needs a minute to go in, so we stand by the entrance door and she starts getting anxious, I calm her down and lead her through the door. She usually stops and stands there for a few seconds before continuing, most of the time she screams super loud, I think it's her way of letting go of whatever is causing her the anxiety. We continue and she goes straight for the toys and just pretty much shops around, when she finds what she's looking for, she's ready to go. Once in a while, if she seems calm enough, I'll get a couple of things I need and she's ok with it.
It's so difficult to understand what she goes through, you just never know what it is that bothers her. Then today I saw this video...
http://youtu.be/IcS2VUoe12M
Wow...my poor baby...holy crap! After watching this simulation, it just broke my heart and without really knowing I thank God it occurred to me to buy her headphones and let her wear them wherever we go. What a horrible thing to go through and she lives this every day. She's so brave and such a warrior. She's truly my inspiration, my reality check. We have it so easy, we complain about the most ridiculous things and here is Darian who does all she can to survive her autism and is pretty happy. She deals with it and moves on the best she can. I have been humbled once again. Thank you my princess for putting me in check. I'm eternally grateful to have you in my life.
