Thursday, October 25, 2012
I often think of how we all have difficulty communicating our needs, either out of fear or we play games with others. Women are the number one offenders, we always want others, especially our spouse, to automatically know why we are upset or what we want. It really doesn't work that way, we cannot expect others to know what we're thinking, let alone feeling, it will never happen. We have the great capability of communicating our needs and we choose not to. It's sad to come to this realization knowing Darian struggles so much in communicating her wants and needs. I can read Darian's mind, most of the time. I am usually one step ahead of her thinking process and I learned this without verbal communication. It's great when it works out and I know exactly what she wants, but it's horrible, when she sits there and sobs and looks at me with her beautiful eyes wanting me to guess what's happening to her. I can't! It's so heart breaking because I can imagine a thousand things that might be wrong and then I go to a very dark place where no parent wants to go and think the worst. Then I have to snap out of it and think that she just wants to cry. Who knows?! I ask every question possible, are you hurt? Are you hungry? Do you need to go peepee? What??? What is making her so sad, so frustrated and angry? As much as I want to believe I am patient, when she gets in this mood, I can't help but cry with her. It's so painful to realize she truly cannot communicate her feelings to me, I know she wants to, but that is the biggest mystery with Autism. She just isn't capable, she has the vocabulary, but she struggles with formulating words into a sentence. It's so frustrating! I know it must be exhausting for her, but as her mother, it's unbelievably discouraging and tiring. Then she has her good days, which are more often than not, she is pure joy. Those are the moments I cherish and hold close to my heart and soul. We took her to Madison's soccer game on Saturday, it was interesting to say the least. Mark and Madison left early, so I got her ready, she was excited and grabbed her Jessie and Bullseye (of course). We get there and as we walk onto the park looking for Madison, she decides to stop on her tracks, hug me and scream at the top of her lungs. Everyone around us pretty much stopped what they were doing and turned to look at us. It was truly hilarious, she screamed so loud it was startling. It could have been a total awkward moment, but I couldn't help it and just laughed. Who knows what she was thinking or wanted to convey to me, we stood there for a minute as she buried her head leaning into me sucking her thumb. I prompted her to keep walking and I could tell she was overwhelmed by all the kids running around and people everywhere, but I told myself, I will not leave, she will deal with this. As we were walking I kept talking to her, explaining what was happening around her. Once we go to where daddy was, she sat in his lawn chair and was happy for the most part. She did try a few times to go onto the field and we dealt with a mini tantrums, but she got with the program and she had a great time. It's so weird how having a child with Autism has changed my outlook on life. How I try my best not to stress over her behavior, because we never know what to expect with her. The weird looks, the awkward body language of others, it doesn't bother me at all. But I have no problem educating others on why she acts the way she does. My daughter's happiness is my happiness. I know that if the world were perfect, Darian would be able to communicate her basic needs and be "normal", but the thing is, this is our world and we do what we have to do to make it work for us. Darian has come a long way and I know we have a long road ahead of us, but we're happy, even if some days are horribly sad, we are overall happy and love one another. I hope one day I will be able to fully understand Autism, if it's frustrating for me, I can't imagine how frustrating it is for Darian. I hope people start communicating more with each other and be grateful to have this capability because God knows my child wishes she could.