Halloween night...

Halloween was great.  Darian did awesome, she was all over it! We both dressed up as Jessie the cowgirl, I felt like an idiot, but she absolutely loved it.  She was so involved in all the activities, walking with Madison and my nephew Leo, going up to doors and saying trick or treat, it was great!  To think, not long ago, we thought this would be an impossible task.  I remember having to carry her all over the neighborhood in order to get her to be involved, it was sad and exhausting for my husband.  He walked around with her on his shoulders most of the time.  It was crazy and very stressful, but we didn't want to ruin Halloween for Madison, so we did what we had to do.  It was so amazing seeing Madison guiding Darian and making sure she got candy, so sweet. I almost wanted to burst into tears! It's been very hard for us as parents to see Madison only not being interested in Darian, but being quite embarrassed by her.  It breaks my heart and I know I can't push it too much, because I don't want to alienate my daughters.  So, what I've been doing is when Darian is screaming and upset and Madison happens to be in the room, covering her ears as usual, I go to her and explain why Darian is doing what she's doing.  It seems to be working.  I've also tried to make her empathize with her.  The other day I told her how Darian's teacher kicked her and pulled her hair and how we didn't know this was happening and she immediately felt horrible and asked a lot of questions.  So she was interested and that's a good sign, I hope.  I've been trying to make her understand how helpless Darian is by not being able to communicate and tell us what's wrong like we do.  I've been asking her to do more things for Darian, like the other night Darian was already in bed and she came out and I asked Madison to take her back to bed.  She did it! I was so happy and Darian was so excited to have Madison be the one who told her to go back to bed.  It was awesome.  But I'm constantly with my heart in my throat because I realize how much Darian needs us and will need us probably for the rest of her life.  I often catch myself getting upset with her when she decides to get up at 3 a.m. wanting to play and complain and I'm exhausted from redirecting her back to her bed and trying my best to get some rest, we end up falling asleep at 5:30 only to get up an hour later! Then it hits me, who in the hell is going to put up with that if mommy and daddy aren't there? Who will have the love and patience to endure her behavior? If I get upset, loving her the way I do, how am I going to expect someone else to understand and be patient with her without wanting to hurt her? I know if I start thinking this way, I'll drive myself crazy, but I can't help it.  So I pray real hard and I ask God to please keep me around for as long as she needs me to be here.

So back to halloween night, so we're in for the night, we still have candy so we keep the light on for those last minute trick or treaters and just before I'm ready to turn off the lights, the door bell rings.  I go to the door and I see this young lady with her mom and she's not giving me any eye contact and she says trick or treat in a very rehearsed kind of way, I recognize it immediately...autism.  So I give her candy and she is very tense and nervous and I see the mom, it's like I'm seeing myself, wanting to hold her hands and pretty much do it for her, but she stands back and watches with those loving, sad eyes and I ask...Autism?  She immediately opens her eyes wide and I say..us too.  She tells me my daughter is 19 and I tell her mine is 8.  It was such a weird, very short conversation, but I can see she immediately felt a sense of "you get it, thank you". She immediately leaves because her daughter, typical, is already half way to the car, she accomplished her task and was ready to go.  She was so beautiful, I thought she was about 15 and was surprised to find out she was 19.  She looked so innocent, almost child like.  And of course I start thinking of Darian's future and wonder how will she be? I hope in a more advanced way, but whatever it may be, she will have me right behind her, ready to step in when needed.