Tuesday, September 11, 2012

My thoughts in a nutshell...not really :)

As I sit here waiting for it to be 8:30 to let our respite go home, I don't know quite how to begin my story, actually Darian's story.  I don't know how to blog, I signed up in 2009 and just can't start.  I share so many stories with my friends, especially those who know and appreciate the laughter behind the madness.  And I know they at times probably feel sorry for me, but they also know who I am and how Autism will not break my spirit or my family's for that matter. I have immense love for my daughters and deep, deep love for my wonderful husband.  But I have to say, I have finally felt unconditional love with Darian, thanks to her autism.  I know it's so crazy to say or even admit without feeling like you are offending your loved ones, but it's the absolute truth.  Darian brought a whole new meaning of love into my life, which made me appreciate my other daughters even more, not to mention my husband.  I walk around with a knot in my throat wanting to shout out to whomever can hear me that I cannot imagine my life without Darian and her noises, her outbursts, her embarrassing situations at the grocery store, at home when she refuses to put pants on when people come over because she loves running around in her underwear without a care in the world, when she gets angry and frustrated with me because I don't understand what she wants or when she sobs with such sadness that I wish I could read her mind and find out why she feels so, so sad; her weird obsessions with her Jessie dolls, her iPad creations following us around and recording us only to blow us up with "Action Movie", when she poops on the potty only when I sing the National Anthem to her, or when she takes a thousand pictures of herself on my iphone before bed every single night, but what I love the most is when she sees me come in through the front door and comes running out of her room just to point at me with her beautiful smile and say "Mommy's home!". It's crazy, I know and sometimes she drives me absolutely insane, but I love it, I love everything about her and her autistic ways. There is never a dull moment in this house with her, but we are so used to her loudness and her frustration, it's a way of life for us.  I do feel sad for my other girls, I know some how, some way I have neglected them and prioritized Darian over them and it kills me, but I also know they completely understand...it's either that or they're just grateful that I'm the only one who can calm Darian down fast enough, where everyone breathes a sigh of relief when she shuts up! hahaha...I want to start documenting her life in our world, I think it's important I do this for me and for anyone who wants to read this.  I want to share her world with yours. At times it will be sad and you will feel sad for us, but don't, my stories will be accompanied by humor most of the time and I hope one day Darian will be able to read my blogs and actually understand the actual meaning of my words...I love you my sweet girl...


  1. For some reason, I truly believe that one day she will read this, understand it & it will make her life a better one.

    1. I want to believe it too! We shall see...stay tuned in...